


Never Have I Ever

by scorpiusismypatronus



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Drugs, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, M/M, Self Harm, Smoking, They're All Gay, Trans Alana, Underage Smoking, Zoe’s 17/18, all teens think abt is sex and drugs, bad life choices, end of the school year I think still deciding on the timeline, evan plays guitar, evan’s a top u can fight me on this, hhh if u think I didn't watch the deh cast never have I ever video while writing this ur so wrong, idk the consent laws bc I'm a child of jesus but I don't think this is underage??, illegal drugs, jared pls stop exposing evan’s kinks he doesn't deserve this, loooooots of inappropriate humor they're teens ok, mentions of marijuana, mentions of smoking, this was so fun to write, underaged drinking??? they’re like 19, wait no thats legal I think, well if Zoe’s 17
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-16
Updated: 2018-01-16
Packaged: 2019-03-05 16:11:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13391457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scorpiusismypatronus/pseuds/scorpiusismypatronus
Summary: In which the dEH kids get together and play never have i ever





	Never Have I Ever

**Author's Note:**

> ok Connor’s here for a couple reasons, 1. I needed more characters ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ 2. Im a sucker for him but aren't we all, 3. In my ideal world he didn’t die and got on meds, made up with zoe, & everything's okay
> 
> Also I mentioned the Connor project so!! In this world it’s bc he survived his suicide attempt and it’s to prevent suicide but like,, Connor’s alive.

Evan was in the kitchen at Jared’s small "Connor Project members” party, sitting on the countertop, watching the proceedings — mostly Zoe and Alana cuddling on the couch, Connor painting his nails at the table while chugging something that probably wasn’t water, and Jared digging in the cabinets for some alcohol with which to play “never have I ever.”

“Found it!" he yelled finally, pulling out a bunch of bottles and hugging them to his chest before slamming them on the table.

“Yoooooooo,” Jared called. “Tree fucker, pansexual, lesbian, come join me and Emo.”

“You know, Jared, some people think it’s unkind to refer to people by their sexualities,” Alana said, but she pried herself off the couch along with Zoe and sat down at the table.

Evan hopped down from the countertop and slid into the chair next to Jared, his boyfriend, and sighed.

“Hey, feel free to address me as Homo; I’ll probably answer to it," Jared shrugged.

“I can’t believe you insinuated my sexuality was just ‘tree fucker,’” Evan said to Alana.

“Am I right or am I right?” She shrugged.

Evan rolled his eyes. “ _Anyway_.”

Jared passed around a couple cups and cracked open a bottle. “All right. I'm starting, and we’ll go from me to Evan to Alana to Zoe to Connor and then back to me. We all know the rules, right? You say a thing you haven’t done and if you have done it you take a drink.”

“Yeah,” said Alana. “It’s the third-most-popular party game for adolescents in developed countries.”

“Why do you know that?” Zoe asked.

“No idea.”

Jared leaned back, tipping his chair. “All right. Never have I ever smoked.”

“Smoked what?” Connor asked, taking a drink.

“Anything,” Jared said. “Brownies are more my style.” 

Zoe took a drink, and surprisingly, so did Alana. “It was Connor’s fault,” she defended.

“Evan, don’t lie," Jared said. 

“I never smoked?” Evan said.

“Yeah, well, it’s a very nice mental image.” Jared grinned at him, winking. Evan blushed. “Your turn!”

“Never have I ever shoplifted?”

Connor took a drink, as did Jared. “It was one pen for fifty cents, and it was _right there_ , okay?" he rolled his eyes. Neither of the girls drank.

“My turn,” said Alana. “never have I ever eyefucked anyone in front of my friends.” It was obviously directed at Jared, who unblushingly took a drink. Zoe did too, but her cheeks were bright red. “Payback for both of you at once, nice,” she commented.

“My turn,” Zoe sang. “Never have I ever been in handcuffs.”

Evan was sure his blush was visible for miles. Jared shot him a wink that wasn’t missed by Zoe, who let out what was almost a scream. “OH MY GOD.”

“What am I missing?” Connor asked, taking a drink himself.

“Why were you in handcuffs?” Jared asked, taking his drink while making eye contact with Connor over the rim of his glass.

“For shoplifting. What about you, Evan?”

Evan opened his mouth and closed it again several times. “I — I —”

“He said the safe word,” Jared said, grinning wickedly. Evan buried his face on the table. “JARED!”

“Kinky,” Connor commented.

“I swear that’s not—that’s—Jared—”

“You’re adorable,” Jared grinned.

“If it makes you feel better,” Zoe said, and her grin was audible, “Alana—”

“ZOE ALEXANDRA MURPHY,” Alana yelled.

The blush had extended to his ears and neck.

“So,” said Connor, “we know why Evan was in handcuffs, but why was Jared?”

Something must have happened because the entire room burst into laughter. “For those of us who are dying,” Zoe said to Evan, “Jared just winked.”

“JARED—"

“Yeah, babe?”

“Shut. The hell. Up.”

This was met with another round of outrageous laughter.

“I’m taking my turn now,” Connor said, picking at his nails. “Never have I ever gotten fired from a job for something other than ‘being depressing’ or ‘overly angry.’”

A second passed while Evan worked on controlling the level of blood rushing to his face (“Guys, I think we killed Evan," Alana said) and then Connor said, “Jared, what’d you _do_?”

Evan lifted his head from the table, still blushing furiously, but turned to look at his boyfriend.

“I got caught telling a customer to go fuck themselves.”

“What’d _they_ do?” Alana asked.

“They had a ‘love is one man and one woman’ sticker on their car.”

“Okay, that’s fair, I’d not have fired you,” Zoe said. “And, Jared, speak of the devil—“ 

“He really is,” Evan commented. 

“—your turn.”

Evan’s mind was spinning as he tried to come up with the most embarrassing thing to make Jared admit. There were a _lot_ of sex things he could say, but that involved him… the world of drugs had been mentioned already… he’d been drunk… Jared really liked Disney movies? But pretty much the entire group knew that… maybe mention Jared’s emo stage?

“I’ve never abused prescription drugs or quit taking them without permission.”

Connor, Evan, and Alana all took drinks.

“Jesus Christ,” Jared said, “what’d you guys do?”

“Tried to off myself with Xanax, yeet,” Connor said. “That’s kinda fuckin’ common knowledge though.”

“I didn’t take my meds at the end of last year because I thought I was doing better and I was… not doing better,” Evan said. The songs Jared sung to him… not quite embarrassing enough yet, and Evan had done the same… the poetry? But Evan had written songs for him before… but it wasn’t poetry written over the course of years… 

“I took Adderall for fun back in eleventh grade,” Alana admitted. “Bad decision, I know.”

“Jesus Christ,” Jared said again. “Y’all are messes. Evan, you still too embarrassed to do this round?”

The image of Jared’s face if he had to admit to writing love poetry about Evan for years was too good to pass up.

“Oh, I think I’m fine,” Evan said. “Never have I ever written poetry for years about the person I was in love with.”

“EVAN!” Jared yelled as he and Alana took drinks.

“Wait wait wait, Jared wrote you a poem? I gotta hear this,” Connor said.

“Yeah, Jared, grace us with your talent,” Zoe teased, grinning.

“Look, I'm guilty of this, but it’s too good to not tease you about. I wanna hear it too,” Alana said.

“DON’T SONGS COUNT AS POEMS?” Jared practically screeched.

“Yeah, but I haven’t been writing them for years.”

“Fuck, songs count?” Zoe asked.

“Only if it’s been years.”

“Does two years count as… yep? Okay.” Zoe took a drink too.

“Ugh. This is so sappy. Kill me,” Connor said. “Jared, recite the poems before I fuckin’ throw up.”

Jared sighed, flinging an arm over his face. “Evan, my love, you have betrayed me.”

“I know,” Evan grinned evilly. “Do the one you wrote in seventh grade.”

“YOU WROTE ONE IN SEVENTH GRADE?” Zoe cackled. “I ship you two so much.”

“You spend too much time on tumblr,” Alana commented.

“Fuck off,” Zoe said, but she was smiling. “Tell us the poem, Jared.”

Jared sighed deeply. “I guess I have to, now, don’t I.”

“Absolutely,” said Connor.

Jared blushed a dark red. “Fucking—okay. Before you laugh remember I was like, twelve.” He cleared his throat, looking like he wanted to die right there. 

“‘Do you think about me?

When it’s seven AM

and you’re too tired to think or talk or see

and the numbers swirl in your mind so you play with the hem

of your jeans

Do you ever stop

and wonder what I’m doing?

Do you wonder how my class is going

or if I’m doing okay 

or if I’m at the top

of the list again? 

Should I think about you like this 

or am I dirty 

(like they said)

because of who I want to kiss?

Should I listen when they said I should be dead?

Do you think about me 

when it’s five PM

and we're in our homes on the unnamed road B

or are you thinking about flower stems

and the problems on our science homework page?

Do you think about me?

Because I think about you all the time.’”

 

“That’s… actually really sweet,” said Zoe.

“Yeah, no, don’t be embarrassed, that’s really good for a twelve-year-old!” Alana said.

“Nice rhyme scheme, really fucking soppy, I’ll give it an eight out of ten,” Connor said.

Jared laughed a little, still blushing.

“After this, Evan's singing us his Jared song.” Connor said.

“Evan is not going to be singing any of the Jared songs,” Evan blushed.

“ALL RIGHT,” said Alana, looking slightly panicked, “no more fighting, it’s my turn. Never have I ever played an organized sport.”

“So like, not counting gym class?” Zoe asked. Alana nodded. Zoe took a drink, as did everyone except Jared.

“I did soccer and softball,” said Zoe.

“Our parents made me do football,” Connor scowled.

“I did soccer a little bit when I was younger,” Evan said.

Zoe stared up at the ceiling. “Never have I ever…” She drew out the ‘r’ for an oddly long time, trying to decide on something. “Pretended to be friends with or to be dating someone.”

Alana and Connor both took drinks.

“Wait, what if I pretended to be friends instead of dating?" Jared asked.

“Well then I’m fucked. Uh, that doesn’t count,” Zoe said.

“You pretended to be friends with me for years for car insurance,” Evan said.

“I wrote fucking love poems about you, dude,” said Jared. “I was a dick, and I know, and I'm sorry, but I was definitely and desperately in love with you the whole time.”

“Alana and I pretended to be dating to get cheaper movie tickets,” said Connor.

“Oh god, I remember that,” said Evan. “Star Wars, wasn’t it?”

“Yeah. You're a good fake girlfriend, Alana.”

“Thanks, Connor.”

“It’s my turn now, right?” Connor asked. The others nodded. “Never have I ever topped.”

“Connor, you can just _ask_ Jared and Evan who tops,” said Zoe, while Evan, with cheeks so red he was sure he looked like a tomato, downed a drink.

“…Not what I expected but exactly what I needed,” Connor smirked.

“Goddamnit Connor,” Evan mumbled.

Alana was laughing hysterically. “God, Connor, you should know not to do this, Ev’s gonna embarrass you so badly.”

“Aw, shit,” he said.

Evan shook the almost-empty bottle of beer and chugged the rest, cracking open the next. “I really need to be blackout drunk right now,” Evan sighed.

“All right,” said Jared. “Never have I ever been named Evan Hansen — just kidding, don't drink yet. Never have I ever… come out to my parents.”

“Don’t they notice y’all’s moaning?” Connor asked sarcastically, taking a drink, as did Alana and Evan.

“Oh, fuck off,” said Jared sweetly. 

“I’m coming out once I’m eighteen,” said Zoe. “Not that it’ll make a difference to them or anything. They don’t think pansexuality is real.”

“They think being gay is real, though,” Connor scowled. “And being ace is a phase. The summer before sophomore year was shit.”

“I’m sorry, man,” said Alana. “That’s gotta suck.”

“It does. Not as much as me, though,” he added.

“Connor, you’re literally both single and asexual.”

“I’m still gonna make as many sex jokes as I want,” Connor said.

“My turn,” Evan announced. “Never have I ever tried to do magic. Organized religion doesn’t count.”

Jared cackled. “Oh god,” he said, taking a drink. “Y’all are out to kill me.” Connor and Alana also took sips.

“What’d you do?” Zoe asked.

“When I was in eighth grade pining over Evan I… made a pentagram… with trees and anti-anxiety meds and some other stuff he likes… and I had these bottles and stuff… pretty much I tried to spell him into liking me back.”

“Oh my god,” Zoe laughed. “That’s honestly iconic.”

“I learned magic for you, babe,” Jared said to Evan. “Do I get a prize?”

“Yep! Of my love and support.”

“Aww," said Alana.

“Ew," said Connor.

“What’d you do magic for?” Alana asked Connor.

“Trying to turn straight in seventh grade.”

“That’s fucking depressing,” said Alana. “I just wanted to pass pre-E.”

“You’d be beautiful even if you didn’t,” Zoe smiled.

“That’s fucking gay,” Jared said. “Connor, your turn.”

“Never have I ever read the 50 Shades books.”

“He watched the movies,” Zoe said, raising the glass to her lips, as did Jared.

“I’m not surprised,” said Alana, before lifting her glass too.

“I’m in a room of sinners,” said Evan. “Jesus didn't die for this.”

“Evan, you’re Jewish," said Zoe.

“It’s funny _because_ I’m Jewish.”

“Never have I ever had an eyeliner pencil near my dick,” said Jared, grinning.

“I CAN EXPLAIN,” Connor yelled. “Zoe, please, sit down, see, the thing is, I was drunk—”

“Connor, I really don’t want to know about your weird eyeliner kink,” Zoe said.

“I was playing truth or dare and Jared—”

“Let’s not,” Alana interrupted.

“It's Jared’s fault, really, I—”

“CONNOR,” Evan yelled.

“See, guys, this is why he’s the top,” Connor mumbled.

“ _CONNOR_ ,” Evan yelled again, voice cracking, face flushed.

“I mean, Connor, you’re not wrong, but could we maybe refrain from embarrassing my boyfriend?” Jared asked.

“Can we go like three minutes without Jared or Connor making a sex joke? Please?” Zoe asked.

“It’s my turn,” Evan said, “so everyone be quiet while I think of something.”

“See?” Connor hissed.

“Okay, Connor, you know what?” Zoe said. “You’re in time-out. Go to your room and think about what you’ve done.” 

“No.”

“Fucking hell. Evan, embarrass someone.”

“Never have I ever exposed anyone’s kinks during a game before.”

Alana, Jared, and Connor took drinks.

“Hey, Evan,” said Connor, “speaking of, what’s your biggest kink?”

“Love and affection, why?” He said, not missing a beat.

“Actually that’s fake news, Ev, I happen to know you like being tied up,” Jared grinned.

Evan buried his face on the table. _Just because it’s true doesn’t mean you should say it_.

“It’s an alternative fact, Jared, not fake news,” said Zoe.

“You got me there,” Jared said, and Evan could almost hear the wink.

“Jared, if you expose one more of my kinks during this game I swear to god—”

“You’ll what? Punish me?”

“STOP FUCKING FLIRTING,” Zoe yelled. “God damn. Alana, please—”

“Never have I ever gotten drunk enough to pass out.”

Jared, Evan, Zoe, and Connor all took a drink.

“Nice one, Alana,” she congratulated herself. “Y’all are fucking messes.”

“Never have I ever been high,” said Zoe.

“That’s a lie,” said Alana.

“Never have I ever done drugs that aren’t weed or alcohol.”

Alana and Connor took drinks.

“The aforementioned Adderall,” said Alana.

“Heroin, Xanax, cocaine, and LSD.”

“You’re a mess,” said Zoe.

“I know. Never have I ever been clean for over a year.”

Evan lifted his head and began counting on his fingers. His last time was last March, and before that he’d been clean since… February or March? Oh god… numbers, those were a thing, how did they work…?

He didn’t take a drink. Jared and Alana did. Zoe kicked her feet up on the table. “Yo, Ev and Con, you wanna start a club?”

“Hell yeah,” said Evan. 

Jared cleared his throat. “Never had I ever felt loved or cared about before meeting my current significant other.”

“Is that even allowed in the game…?” Evan asked slowly.

“Probably not, but we’re drinking.” Alana took a drink. Zoe hesitated a little bit. "I did sometimes… no, I think that counts.” She took a gulp too.

“I only did by my mom, and even then only sometimes, and even then…” Evan trailed off. “Half a shot. I’m taking half a shot.”

“Is _that_ even allowed in the game?” Jared echoed.

“Who cares?” Evan asked, taking half a shot. “Never have I ever had sexual intercourse with a tree.”

No one moved.

“Evan,” Jared said slowly, “that’s not how the game works.”

“I NEVER FUCKED A TREE,” Evan said, louder, as though that would make anyone listen.

“Evan the point of the game is to—“

“I _know_ the point of the game. But playing Never Have I Ever is like being under oath. You can’t lie. So I'm proving it right now that I’ve never fucked a tree,” Evan sighed.

Alana just stared at him. “do you wanna take a break, go throw up in the toilet, sing us the Jared song?”

“I've had a lot to drink,” he admitted. His thoughts were all in lowercase. If that made sense? It probably didn’t.

“Sing me the Jared song,” Jared begged.

“Only to Jared. You _can’t_ listen,” he told the others. “You gotta close your ears.”

“Okay, sweetie,” said Alana. “Ears: closed. Song: sung. Dick: out.”

“Please don’t, baby,” Zoe said. 

“Those are _good memes_ ,” Alana defended.

Jared had left the room in a blur of orange (the fruit, not the colour) and came back a second later with a guitar.

“Sing to me,” he said, and Evan’s heart melted into liquid right then and there.

“M’kay. Hold the guitar,” he said, hopping onto the counter. “Zoe? Lana? Conner? You got your ears closed?”

“If you call me Lana ever again, I swear to god—”

“They do,” Jared assured, sitting on the table and smiling at his boyfriend. “Whenever you’re ready.”

Evan placed blurry fingers on the strings and sighed, trying to remember the chords.

Through a fog of alcohol and love he managed to sing the whole song relatively well. Jared smiled soppily at him (was he drunk?) and took the guitar from him. “IIIIII LOVEEEEEE MYYYYYY BOYYYYYYFRIENDDDDDD,” he sung.

“Love you too,” Evan said.

“Never have I ever sung to my boyfriend in front of people.”

“Their ears were closed,” Evan grumbled, sitting down in his chair and drinking some more. None of the others moved.

“Hey, Ev, do you think you're a bit too drunk to keep playing?”

“Oh, I’m fine,” Evan said.

Alana sighed. “Never have I ever hosted a party.”

Jared, Connor, and Zoe took drinks.

“Your mom let you?” Jared asked Zoe.

“I was twelve,” Zoe said.

“Ah,” he said.

“What about me?” Connor asked.

“It’s rather obvious you wouldn’t care if they said no,” Jared said.

“Okay, fine,” Connor said. “Zoe, your turn.”

“Never have I ever been in the hospital.”

Connor, Evan, and Alana all took drinks.

Connor sighed. “My turn? Never have I ever chickened in Truth or Dare.”

Evan and Alana took drinks. Evan was remembering the one game they played a few months ago. They’d all been rather drunk, and they’d dared him to give Jared a lap dance, which was _not_ happening in front of their friends.

“Jared, your turn?” Connor said.

“Never have I ever been a lesbian,” Jared said.

“This is homophobia,” Alana said. “Personally I'm suing.”

“Jared, what are you on about? We all know you’re a lesbian,” Connor said.

“Doesn’t seem like one in bed,” Evan quipped. The room exploded in outrage. He didn’t quite get why. He’d already forgotten what he’d said.

“You’re wasted, babe,” Jared said.

“No, you are,” he bit back. He leaned against the back of his chair.

“My boyfriend’s a fucking lightweight,” Jared noted. Zoe snorted. “We can tell.”

“Oh fuck off,” he said, but it sounded more like “obfubboff.” Which was not at all threatening or what he was going for.

“Should we call the game done?” Jared asked.

“I dunno, have y’all been keeping track of how many you’ve done?” Alana asked. Everyone nodded.

“All right. I've taken twelve,” said Alana.

“Eight here,” Jared said.

“Pussy,” Alana shot back. “And you can’t say it back ‘cause you’re a guy.”

“Now _this right here_ is reverse sexism,” Jared quipped.

“Doesn’texist,” Evan slurred.

“I've had 13,” said Connor.

“Seven,” said Zoe.

“I've had… tenand a half,” Evan said.

“Connor wins,” said Jared. “And in second, in an odd turn of fate, Alana, with twelve drinks. Evan, you get third place, I get fourth, and Zoe loses. Or wins, depending on how you look at it.”

“GoodjobLana,” Evan mumbled. The room was spinning. He didn’t like it.

“Did I not just tell you not to call me Lana?!” Alana demanded.

“I didn’tmean to,” he whined.

“You’re forgiven, but only because you’re blackout drunk,” Alana said.

“‘M not,” he grumbled.

“Yeah, okay, whatever you say,” said Jared. “I'm putting your drunk ass to sleep for tonight.”

“You'll stay?” He asked hopefully.

“No. Maybe when you’re sober,” Jared said.


End file.
